


Legenmarried

by Old deeplyshallow (deeplyshallow)



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: F/M, fuck the failnale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27154922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deeplyshallow/pseuds/Old%20deeplyshallow
Summary: A series of drabbles and oneshots about Barney and Robin's married life. Because together they are awesome. Finale? What finale?
Relationships: Robin Scherbatsky/Barney Stinson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	1. Barroom Fights

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on fanfiction.net: 9/5/14

**October 2014**

A woman comes up to Robin at the bar, "Hey, that guy you're talking to, Barney Stinson, I just want to let you know he's a total slimeball, he's just saying whatever it takes to get into your pants."

Robin looks the woman up and down, slutty, big boobs, apparently too dim to notice the wedding ring, perfect, "Oh really? Thanks for the warning..."

"Lulu."

Robin holds back a snigger, "Thank you, Lulu." Then strides over to the booth, tapping Barney roughly on the shoulder.

"Oi, you, Lulu over there at the bar says you've been lying to me all night."

Barney smirks, catching on quickly, and then plasters a sleazy smile onto his face "Why would I lie to you baby? You eyes really do look like majestical ponds in the moonlight!"

She narrows her eyes at him, "Are you sure? Because I was told you just wanted me for my body."

"Well you were told wrong, I love you for all your talents! I love your... hair, and your ability to count to ten without having to use your fingers much... probably. I love..." he searches round for something else to say.

"Oh my god!" Robin screams to cover the second of silence, "my boobs! You were just staring at my boobs!" the bar around them has gone strangely silent, the newer patrons are looking on in horror, the older ones are looking slightly bored.

"No I wasn't, I love you Roxanne!"

She sends him a playful glare, fully aware of the reference to their first meeting, until she's back in character, "It's Robin."

"That's what I said."

"No you didn't!" She waves her ring in his face, "we got married in Vegas yesterday and you can't even remember my name!" (ok, so she's kind of changing the story there, but whatever, they're awesome, she's sure Lulu at least won't notice.)

"I didn't even want that to happen! I was drunk! You tricked me into it!"

"So you're telling me, our Vegas marriage was not valid? When I met you five days ago I knew I wanted commitment and you are just throwing it in my face!"

He stands up, flinging his suit jacket to the floor and loosening his tie (Robin is momentarily distracted as she takes in his slightly dishevelled appearance),"I am saying that. I saw you at the bar looking smoking hot in that dress you're wearing, and the lacy bra and barely there panties that are doubtless underneath and..." he fades off for a second, staring at her, but quickly recovers, "Of course I wanted that to hit that, I might have lied about a few of the other details!"

"IT WAS FAKE!" Robin screeches, she notices immediately the way that Barney's eyes go from mildly amused and attracted to almost black with lust, he loves angry Robin and she's happy to give it to him, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS WAS ALL FAKE! THAT'S NEARLY A OF MY LIFE WEEK I'LL NEVER GET BACK."

The intensity of the way Barney's staring at her (how the man manages to keep his full attention on the task at hand while still undressing her with his eyes she'll never know, but it's a talent she relishes) makes her tempted to give up this whole charade and just slam him against a wall and stick her tongue roughly down his throat (that would certainly surprise Lulu), but she stays cool. For now.

"WHAT ELSE IS FAKE ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP? IS THIS RING FAKE?"

"OF COURSE NOT!" Barney shouts, outraged, "IT'S NOT EVEN COMPLETELY MADE OUT OF CANDY! ONLY THE JEWEL!"

Robin bites her lip to stop herself laughing, (candy? Really? Just how stupid does he think fictional her is?) "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PROPOSED TO ME WITH A FAKE RING!" then adds, "I BET IT'S NOT EVEN VERY NICE CANDY!"

"WELL I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME PROPOSE TO YOU BEFORE YOU'D SLEEP WITH ME!" he pauses, "AND IT'S GREAT CANDY THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

"YOU ARE A HORRIBLE, NASTY, MANIPULATIVE PERSON BARNEY STINSON, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN." She shouts at the top of her voice, she grabs her glass of beer from the table (the others groan) and throws the whole contents at him, the liquid hits him square in the chest.

Barney looks down and splutters, "HOW DARE YOU WOMAN! YOU KILLED QUINTUS!" he looks distraught enough that she wonders if she's genuinely upset him but then he winks at her and she knows it's (at least mostly) still part of the act.

"YOU DESERVE IT! YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR HEAD DECAPITATED BY THE SLAP OF A THOUSAND EXPLODING SUNS AND THEN FOR ALL YOURS SUITS TO GO MOULDY AND EAT YOU AND FOR RALPH MACHIO TO DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE."

He recoils in horror in a way that she can tell is only half faked, "WELL YOU DESERVE, YOU DESERVE... SHUT UP!"

Finally Lulu, apparently satisfied, leaves. As soon as the bar door closes Barney and Robin burst into giggles (earning them some even weirder looks from the bar's non regulars).

"That. Was. Awesome!" Barney splutters.

"I know right!" says Robin, grinning, "sorry about your shirt, baby. That girl would just not leave until I started getting physical."

Barney shrugs, "Totally worth it," he announces. He glances at her, her face still flushed from all that shouting, the blood pumping fast through both their veins from the excitement of their latest performance, "Feel free to go physical with me any time. You were so hot."

"You too."

"Sex in the alley?"

"Sure."

Barney slips Carl a bill for tolerating them as they walk out. Carl rolls his eyes, but otherwise doesn't comment.

The bar, somewhat silent after the drama, quickly gets back to its normal volume – which is probably good because it blocks out most of the noise coming from outside.

After a while both come back, looking appropriately satisfied, Barney miraculously now in a clean shirt and tie.

"So, what's up with you guys?" says Robin, sitting down and reaching for Barney's beer which has amazingly survived the 'fight', (Barney scowls at her and tries to grab it back, but she holds it out of his reach and he relents, albeit sulkily).

Ted lets out a sigh, "Do you really have to be that melodramatic every time?"

Barney considers, "Yes," he says and high fives his wife.

Ted rolls his eyes, "I get it, you both get some kind of sociopathic pleasure out of this, but come on, this is the third time this month, some of us quite enjoy just having a quiet night at the bar."

"Yeah, and some of us have babies who don't appreciate being woken up by loud noises."

"Mickey's babysitting Marvin and Daisy upstairs."

"Daisy's a sensitive sleeper and you two were... not being sensitive."

"Guys, I know it's hard for you sometimes, given we're making monogamy awesome and you very much are not. But really, you should be thanking us for the privilege of us lighting up your boring little lives with our extreme role-playing."

Ted looks at his fiancé, "Are you sure you're able to handle this? It's not too late to run away."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" Tracy teases, "Is this ring made of candy?"

"It probably is," Barney says, before Ted has the chance to respond, "Ted's an old miser like that."

Ted looks very offended, "It is not, I'll have you know that I got that ring from a very reputable jeweller..."

"Yeah, Ted whatever," says Barney, "We're not on you anymore. So Robin, you were awesome, as per usual, but I feel we still need a more cohesive storyline for next time, maybe we should work on some scripts... I feel you need a skankier name too – how about Ginger, or ohoh, Bambi?"

Robin laughs, "I don't know, I was more thinking... hmmm... I like this Roxanne thing we had going on – how about Roxii – with two 'i's?"

Ted sighs and turns to Marshall, "They're never going to change are they?"

"No," Marshall says, "Probably not."


	2. Motorbikes

_Just Robin, on a motorcycle putting out a cigarette, gettin' on there, Barney on the back... Just riding off into the sunset. – Cobie's ideal ending to the show._

**June 2016**

"You did not tell me we were doing this."

"Yes I did."

"No, you most certainly did not."

"I did, this morning, just before we left, in the cab here – three times."

"Oh, well that doesn't count then."

"How doesn't it count?"

"Because you were wearing that leather catsuit, there's no way I was going to listen to you in that. I had more important things to do. Like imagine undoing the zipper, peeling it off you slowly, running my hands along the skin it reveals, pulling..."

"We'll do that later baby, now we're doing this."

"Can't we just skip to the later bit?"

"Barney, you were the one who said you wanted to try this."

"Yes, last week, hypothetically, mostly just to impress the others and to see you wear that and look badass. Can't I just watch you?"

"No."

"Are you sure you know how to do this?"

"Yes. My dad taught me when I was twelve. I can literally do this with my eyes closed."

"Please don't."

"I won't. You'll be fine Barney. Even Ted and Marshall tried it that one time remember."

"Ted fell off and broke his arm."

"That was funny."

"Yeah, it was."

"Come on though, Barney, you're not going to Ted it up. You're not that lame."

"I know I'm not. I'm awesome... just, you know, try to stick to the speed limit."

"God Barney, you're such a girl."

"I'm not a girl. I'm very manly."

_"Oh Robin, don't go above 5 mph, I might wet myself like I did in Marshall's Fiero."_

"Firstly, that never happened. Secondly I am too manly. You didn't seem to be complaining about my manliness last night."

"Heh, no I wasn't."

"Exactly, and there will be no more of that coming from me for at least a month if you continue to insult me like that."

"Oh really?"

"Yes... well a week... a day... Robin, stop looking at me like that! And stop taking... actually no, carry on..."

...

"Ahem, yeah, where were we? Get on the motorcycle Barney."

"Are you 100 percent sure this is safe?"

"Don't you trust me?"

"Robin, I trust you to avenge my death when playing laser tag, I trust you to always be hilarious when you're making fun of Ted, I trust you to still look smoking hot even when you're old and wrinkly and I'd trust you to be the best possible fighting and sexual companion when robots take over the world – I just don't trust you on a motorcycle. You've got far too much crazy Canadian blood for you to do this, you'll go all road ragey!"

"Road ragey?"

"Come on Robin, you go all road ragey in normal cars!"

"No I don't!"

 _"Beep, beep! You're going too slow, can't you hurry up? My trip down this endless dust filled road on the world's longest trip to Canada, that I made poor, innocent Barney go on because I suck at remembering to book planes, is more important than your equally stupid dust filled adventure!_ "

"Ok, firstly they were going too slowly and secondly..."

"They were already about 20 miles over the speed limit."

"Secondly, it was your job to book tickets."

"Yeah but Robin, Canada, I was hoping you'd take the hint and just take the tickets I'd got to Hawaii instead."

"I had to see my family. Anyway, we went there afterwards."

"Yeah we did. It was awesome. We should go again."

"I don't think the hotel will let us after that incident in the pool."

"Heh. Worth it. Somewhere in the Caribbean then?"

"Mmmm, that sounds nice. But I know you're trying to distract me and it's not going to work. Just get on the bike Barney. I promise I'll go easy on you, 20, 30 miles over the speed limit at most."

"30?"

"As opposed to 50."

"Canadians. Promise you'll notice if I fall off."

"Of course I will."

"You won't be so into it that I'll fall off and you'll drive off without me, leaving me to die in the middle of nowhere of heat exhaustion?"

"I think I'd notice if the constant stream of whining stopped."

"I'm not whining I'm just concerned that... Urgh, I need a cigarette before we go. Want one?"

"Can't, I gave up remember?"

"But you'd look so badass, in that suit, your hair blowing in the wind, the bike vibrating between your legs, blowing smoke rings, not a care in the world. It would be so hot..."

"Mmmm, it would be but..."

"Come on, I won't tell Ted."

"Fine, just one."

"See, I told you. Smoking hot."

"I think you just beat Marshall on the world's worst pun."

"No I didn't. I'm awesome."

"Ok here we go, I'm in front, you sit right behind me."

"Heh, I remember when we were last in this position."

"Ok, put your arms around my waist."

"Ok."

"My waist, Barney."

"I like my hands here better."

"And your chances of distracting me and the bike crashing have gone up about 83 percent."

"Fine, spoilsport."

"Ok, here we go,"

"Um..."

"Yes this revving is normal, no the bike's not going to explode. Yes, I'm still in complete control."

"Good. Oh Robin?"

"Yes?"

"Just to let you know, if you hear some girly screams, they're probably from the motorbike protesting at its proximity to too much collective awesomeness."

"And if I you tell me 'flugelhorn' I assume that means it's simply too much for the motorcycle to bare and we have to stop immediately and lie to the others about how far we rode?"

"Please?"

"As long as you're not too pathetic – don't say it within the first mile."

"Hrrm... fine."

"Ok, you ready?"

"...yes."

"Into the sunset we go."


	3. Phonecalls

**Ok I cheated on this one, it's not actually set when they're married, it's just after they got engaged. Most of this was written back near the end of Season 7 as part of my ideal start for season 8 – you know when we thought the world was going to end because Barney and Robin hadn't got back together as quickly as we'd like them to (when in reality this was only a prelude to toughen us up before we had to face a much bigger crisis). So yeah, set just after the B/R engagement, writing Barney was fun in this one though.**

* * *

**January 2013**

The booth was empty again.

It had been most nights for the past month.

Ted thought he might be used to this by now.

For so many years it had been _Marshall and Lily_ and Barney and Robin and him, but now it was _Marshall, Lily and Marvin_ and _Barney and Robin_ and him and it felt like everything had changed.

He looked across the room, it had seemed so easy last time this had happened. Of course he'd only ended up meeting Barney's future wife (the irony of the fact that Barney had decidedly not been looking for a wife did not escape him), but he'd been 27 and 30 was miles off, the world had been so open, so full of potential.

Now he was 35 and no closer to his happy ending.

He got out his phone and found the number he wanted. The phone almost went to voicemail before it was picked up, the voice that answered was somewhat breathless.

"Go for Barney."

"Barney can you come to the bar? I need a wingman."

"I'm sorry bro, I can't I'm embarking on an very important international venture."

Ted rolled his eyes, he wished this sort of response was a bit less frequent too, "By international you mean Canada, don't you?"

"As a matter of fact yes, say what you will about Canadians, they won't say no to some mutually beneficial dirty dealings…"

"So by 'very important international venture' you mean you're nailing Robin?"

"Ted, don't cheapen this. What Robin and I are doing here is groundbreaking, revolutionary if you will. We are redefining the modern relationship. One day ten, fifty, years in the future, people will no longer look at relationships as horrible, lame, sexless mistakes. They will see it as something to be desired…"

"I think the vast majority of people already…"

"Relationships will one day mean sex every night – at least every night – it will mean fewer drinks thrown in your face, changing the bars of the future forever, it will mean happiness Ted, Robin and I are pioneering towards world happiness and therefore world peace. One day people will build statues of us – suited up or au natural – we'll let them choose. Ted, I could join you at the bar but you will have prevented world peace, are you prepared for that guilt to be forever placed upon your shoulders?"

"Well, given I don't actually believe this will lead to world peace, I'd still like…"

"Gotta go, my… associate doesn't like to be kept waiting."

The line went dead, though not before Ted heard the giggling and moaning in the background.

And Ted was left to ponder the fact that _Barney and Robin_ were further along in their life than he was. If slightly misguided about the best way to achieve world peace.

 _I really need to find a wife,_ he thought.


End file.
